Meditations of a Bald, Fat Guy

IDENTIFYING CHILD MOLESTERS-CHAPTER ONE

Dr. Carla Van Dam’s book, Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing child sexual abuse by recognizing the patterns of the offenders, provides readers with a wealth of usable information. She focuses on child molesters whose “charm, respectability, and agreeable demeanor” make it easy for them to gain access to children. (Van Dam, Carla. Identifying Child Molesters (p. 11). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.) There are other types of child predators, but they have different behavioral cues. Dr. Van Dam is focusing on those predators that you would find in schools, daycares, and other public places.

In Chapter 1, The Problem, Dr. Van Dam introduces the readers to case studies, some of which will be used throughout the book. These case studies show how various communities allowed a predator access to children. There were five case studies. An elderly, male gentleman loved by the community, an young, male teacher, a male blue-collar worker who molested over two generations, another male teacher who molested between 50-70 children, and a female teacher, just to show that men and women can be child predators.

The last case study involved a named victim, Donna Bouchard, who took her molester to court. She provides a first-hand description on how her predator manipulated her, her family and her school. Donna said,
My name is Donna Bouchard, and more than a decade and a half later I am only now
finding my voice. My story is not unlike that of other victims of sexual assault. Do not
be fooled by the fact that I was offended against by a female, rather than a male. The
dynamics are quite the same. They say hindsight is twenty-twenty, and I can certainly
attest to that. However, if telling my story might help someone else to recognize the
signs of sexual predators, to therefore avoid what happened to me, then tell it I will.
(Van Dam, Carla. Identifying Child Molesters (p. 31). Taylor and Francis. Kindle
Edition.)

The predator insinuated herself into Donna’s life, and she began a process of isolating Donna from her family and her class mates. The predator exposed Donna to sexually explicit materials, gave her medicines like muscle relaxants, and generally made her feel “special”. She points out that child predation is more an exercise of power than sexuality.

As found in Psychiatric Clinics of North America,
We look only at the disparate, most superficial pieces as they present to our
attention. We process those pieces serially, each as a novelty, never allowing them to
coalesce into a meaningful whole, and never allowing a fresh and receptive analysis
unprejudiced by previous dispersions. We may accept, one at a time, any number of
surprising examples, each of which contradicts traditional knowledge, and still hold
each as an exception with only peripheral significance. Unlike ordinary, unprejudiced
discoveries, these clues are not allowed to add up to increasing understanding.
Instead, like the plethora of medieval observations that contradicted geocentricism,
such unwanted discoveries only increase the intellectual challenge to explain them
away. (p. 419)
(Van Dam, Carla. Identifying Child Molesters (p. 37). Taylor and Francis. Kindle
Edition.)

Child predators will engage in behaviors that, individually, seem harmless, but when put together, paint a picture that identifies what is happening. The trick is getting the bigger picture. Societally speaking, one in four girls, and one in six boys are abused. (Finkelhor, 1979a) We need to be able to identify the behaviors we can see, and keep the bigger picture in mind.

Dr. Van Dam begins showing us how to do that in Chapter 2.

News Stories
– Claremore Man Sentenced for Sexual Abuse
– Wagner Man Sentenced for Abusive Sexual Contact
– Hagerstown Man Sentenced to 30 Years in Federal Prison for Sexual Exploitation of a Child
– Dion Oliver Sentenced to Life in Federal Prison Following Convictions for the Shooting of a Wilmington 6-Year-Old Boy and the Death of a Newark Woman
– Dion Oliver Sentenced to Life in Federal Prison Following Convictions for the Shooting of a Wilmington 6-Year-Old Boy and the Death of a Newark Woman
– U.S. Attorney Totten Announces Federal Charges In The Kidnapping Of 2-Year-Old Wynter Cole-Smith
– Grand Island Man Sentenced to 60 Years for Conspiracy to Produce Child Pornography and Production of Child Pornography
– Texas teen forced to ‘play daddy’ as sex slave for years after mom said he vanished: report
– Man who inspired ‘Sound of Freedom’ hits back at CNN guest, liberal reporters over ‘grotesque’ criticism

SOUND OF FREEDOM

If you’ve read my past few blogs, you had got know I was going to see the movie, Sound of Freedom. The movie is based on the real-life exploits of Tim Ballard, a former Homeland Security agent, who goes from arresting pedophiles to saving the young victims.

Jim Caviezel plays Tim Ballard, and he puts in a very good performance. I wondered how the movie would depict the situations involving the children, given the production company makes faith-based films. They did an awesome job depicting the scenes and letting the viewer know what was happening, without putting the child actors in uncompromising situations.

I figured I would be emotionally invested in this movies and I was right. There were times I was seething with anger, there were some light-hearted moments, and a somewhat satisfactory ending. I say somewhat, because you learn at the end that the number one destination for child sex trafficking is the United States. Yay us.

It’s easy, when confronted with the sheer volume of what is going on, to get overwhelmed. Where do we start? What can we do? The first step is to know there IS something we can do. It doesn’t involve crawling into the dark, putrid world of of the molester. It involves being able to identify the behaviors they use to gain access to children, and then preventing their access to children. There’s no need to confront anyone, you won’t need to view disturbing pictures, or subject yourself to anything that will give you nightmares.

So let’s do this; over the next few days, I will conduct a book study of Carla Van Dam’s book, Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing child sexual abuse by recognizing the patterns of the offenders. As I go through the book, I will share with you what I have learned. Our objectives are two-fold: 1) Identify those who might molest and 2) Know what to do when encountering potential molesters. Dr. Van Dam will provide concrete things to look for, and a clear plan for what to do if we suspect a person may be a molester. The key here is there is something we can do, prevent the molester from gaining access to children.

The secret is, protecting children cannot be something that is done for us. We have to take steps to protect the children. I don’t want to see one or two empty beds where my grandsons used to sleep, and I don’t know a parent or grandparents that would. So let’s take the steps we can to protect our children.

Do me a favor? As we go though this, share this with everyone you know. The more people who are forewarned, the better. The book costs $55 on Amazon. Her other book costs $34. I would recommend getting a copy, but it won’t be needed as we go forward.

Here’s a phrase to remember from the movie Sound of Freedom, “God’s children are not for sale.”

RED PILL or BLUE PILL?

In the Matrix, Neo was presented with a choice by Morpheus. He had his view of reality challenged, and the choice was clear; take the red pill, and deal with the reality, or take the blue pill and go back to the safe, mundane existence he had before. Of course, the hero took the red pill. The rest, as they say, was history.

I provided the challenge to our current reality. People are actively stalking our children. So now you have the choice; red pill, or blue pill?

June 29, 2023-July 3, 2023
–Cantina owner admits to forcing young girl to engage in commercial sex
–Orlando Man Who Destroyed Hard Drive Pleads Guilty To Distributing And Possessing Child Sex Abuse Materials
–Mexican National Pleads Guilty to Sex Trafficking a Minor
–Columbus Woman Pleads Guilty to Possessing Child Sexual Abuse Material
–Placer County Man Indicted for Sexual Exploitation Offenses Against a Minor
–Ponte Vedra Beach Man Sentenced To More Than Six Years In Federal Prison For Distributing Child Sexual Abuse Videos Over The Internet
–Marine Corps Lance Corporal Sentenced To More Than 15 Years In Federal Prison For Attempting To Entice A 13-Year-Old Child To Produce And Send Him Sexually Explicit Photos Of Herself
–Six Wolf Point residents sentenced to prison for roles in kidnapping, assault of girl on Fort Peck Indian Reservation
–Missouri Husband and Wife Admit Possessing Child Pornography
–Tonawanda Man Going To Prison On Child Pornography Charge
–Federal Jury Convicts Ocala Man Of Possession Of Child Sex Abuse Images
–Owasso Man Sentenced for Receipt of Child Pornography
–Herkimer County Man Sentenced to 138 Months in Prison for Distributing and Receiving Child Pornography
–Cherokee County Man Convicted of Sex Trafficking Teens in Tyler Area
–Drug Dealer Sentenced to 8 Years in Federal Prison for Role in Fentanyl Death of Yamhill County Teen
–Lakeview Man Going To Prison For Distribution Of Child Pornography
–FBI Joint Press Release with Lansing Police Department: Active Search for Wynter Smith
–Former Police Officer Sentenced To 37 Months For Possession Of Child Pornography
–Former Uniontown Resident Pleads Guilty to Distributing Material Depicting the Sexual Exploitation of a Minor
–Papillion Man Sentenced to 132 Months for Distributing Child Pornography
–FBI San Francisco Warns the Public About Online Predators Using ‘Group Grooming’
–Rise in missing children in Cleveland alarms advocates

22 stories about children being preyed upon. It can be a bit overwhelming, if you let it. The real question is, “Let’s say I take the red pill. Then what?” That’s a good question. Not everyone can be a front-line soldier. But as a citizen, you can be alert, be aware. Child predators give themselves away by their behaviors. So that is what you can do. Learn to identify these behaviors.

A person you should know is Carla van Dam, PhD. Dr. Van Dam is a licensed clinical psychologist in the state of Washington. She has written a couple of books, Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of the Offenders and The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused. I would start with Stopping Sex Offenders in Their Tracks, an article on her website. She is easy to read, and has all the information you need to make the red pill work.

According to her, a person who takes the red pill has four objectives:
1. Be willing to consider the possibility that known and trusted adults sexually molest children
2. Be able to identify the behavior patterns used by socially skilled sex molesters
3. Be increasingly competent at recognizing potentially abusive behavior
4. Be inoculated from the spell offenders use to access children

So there are concrete things you can do. You can protect your children, and other children, by learning how to identify the predators. At the least, we can keep children away from the predators. We can alert our friends and family. If you have actionable information, you can alert law enforcement. It all starts with the first decision.

Red pill, or blue pill?

Are our children worth it?

BEST FRIEND

A friend of mine left a comment on a prior blog. Michele Jent is her name. She brought to mind her father, a fellow I want you to know. His name was Mike Schill, and he was my best friend.

Mike and I were teachers together at St. Gabriel the Archangel School in Indianapolis. He taught Science, I taught Math and Social Studies. He was a bit acerbic, a bit wacky, and very intelligent, so of course we hit it off. Opposites attract, don’t you know. He was a good chess player. He got me interested in chess, then helped me develop into a decent chess player, so much so that we started a Chess Club, and I was able to take a team to the National Chess Tournament in Kissimmee, Florida. He was like a big brother to me, and trust me, at that time of my life, I was the world’s crappiest little brother.

A blog or so back, I mentioned the issues Robin and I had. Well, truth be told, the issues were all mine. For a brief, dull, black moment in my life, I was a narcissistic sociopath. OK, you got me. I’ve been a narcissistic sociopath most of my life. I thought I had a handle on it before I married Robin, but it came roaring back, in spades.

I learned a lot during that dark time of my life. One lesson-People typically don’t like narcissistic sociopaths. They’re dicks. Another lesson-People in an affair aren’t as good at hiding what they’re doing as they think. People know. Another lesson-your behavior changes, which affects all sorts of other people who notice.

Mike noticed, probably before anyone else. He was that way. He was very observant. He gathered data, and watched as my teaching performance took a nose dive. I was distracted, I was irritable. I thought I was playing it cool. I was not. My wife and I were separated, and Mike bided his time. That time came one day after school. I heard a knock on the door of my apartment. When I opened the door, Mike stood there.

I invited him in and we sat down in the the living room. In true Mike fashion, he got right to it. “What are you doing?”

Mike was a big fan of the Socratic Method. I watched him use it in the classroom. With it he could get any student to where they needed to be any his questions. What followed was a master class in the Socratic Method. I would try to answer a question with some bullshit that Mike would cut right through. I would flare in anger, and he wouldn’t react. I felt like I was Captain Kirk getting cross examined like Spock. Except I wasn’t as cool as Captain Kirk, and it wasn’t a cross examination, it was a vivisection.

Mike opened me up like a hot knife through butter. At the end, I looked at him and said, “Christ, Mike! What do I do?”

He replied, “It’s not up to me to tell you what to do. But what do we tell the kids all time when they make a mistake?”

I mumbled, “It’s not the mistake that defines you, it’s what you do afterwards that defines you.”

He got up and said, “That’s right. So how will you be defined?”

He left me to my thoughts. And I had a lot of them.

That night saved my marriage. No one in my family ever called me out, None of my other friends stood up to me and called me on my BS. Mike did. He cut through all the lies I had created, laid out the depth of the pain I had caused, and then challenged me to do the right thing. All by asking questions.

Mike passed away from mesothelioma. He was diagnosed in November, if I recall correctly, and passed in June. He was torn from his family, his friends, he was torn from my life. Yet his legacy lives on.

Robin and I got back together and worked at our marriage, the way it was supposed to be. My oldest daughter got married, and has two sons. My youngest was a state champion figure skater and was on a volleyball team that played for the state championship. If he had not had that conversation with me, none of that would have happened.

Michele is also his legacy. She is a good person. Sharp-witted, like her father, and just as capable of cutting through BS to get to the truth. I see a lot of Mike in her. I hope that I’ve defined myself better after my mistake. I’ve tried to take Mike’s lessons and pass them along to my daughters, to my friends. When it’s needed, be dispassionate, be concise, ask questions, call out BS. Be a true friend.

Thank you, Michele, for getting me to let people know what a good man he was.

I miss you, Mike.

STOMPING COCKROACHES

There was some disturbing video this week, of a New York City Pride march, in which marchers were heard chanting, “We’re here, we’re queer, we’re coming for your children.” Hmmm. Maybe I should go to an airport, and make a joke about bombs. Or maybe make a joke about perpetrating violence against a President. Yeah, not so much. At this point, trying to say, “We were just being sarcastic,” doesn’t fly. Look around, they have been coming for our children.

One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that people treat child predation like Fight Club. What’s the number one rule of Fight Club? Don’t talk about Fight Club. My late mother was sexually abused by her father. When we were going through Maw’s things after she passed, we came across a diary in which she detailed, in part, what he did to her. You can’t un-see that. In talking to Paw one time, he mentioned that he had been molested. That was fairly close to when he passed in 2018. He was over 75 when I learned that nugget. Don’t talk about child predation.

Years ago, I signed up to receive email digests from the FBI. These digests are press releases of cases the FBI investigated and are either announcements of indictments, or sentencing. Let’s take a look at what I’ve received in the past week:

6/22/23
–DeMotte Man Sentenced To 210 Months In Prison
–Man Who Sexually Abused Minor at Fort Bliss in 2014 Sentenced to 35 Years in Federal Prison
–Former Lawson Business Owner Indicted for Child Pornography
–Hastings Man Sentenced to More Than 33 Years for Production of Child Pornography
–New Orleans Resident Sentenced to 21 Months Imprisonment After Pleading Guilty to International Parental Kidnapping
–York Man Sentenced To 25 Years’ Imprisonment For Sexually Exploiting Two Children
–Former Federal Law Enforcement Officer Sentenced to 14 Years in Federal Prison for Transportation of Child Pornography
–Connecticut Man Sentenced to 235-Month Prison Term for Inducing a Minor to Engage in Unlawful Sexual Activity
–DeMotte Man Sentenced To 210 Months In Prison(child pornography)
–District Man Sentenced for Possession of Child Pornography

6/26/23
–Two Individuals Charged with Neglect Following the Death of a Child on the Red Lake Reservation
–Paris Man Convicted of Attempted Child Exploitation
–Davenport Iowa Man Convicted of Attempted Enticement of a Minor and Travel with Intent to Engage in Illicit Sexual Activity
–Highlands County Man Indicted for Sex Trafficking
–Seven Sentenced to Federal Prison for Child Sex Trafficking in Green Lake County
–Assistant high school volleyball coach arrested on federal child exploitation charges
–Jury Convicts California Man For Assaulting Child On Aircraft

6/27/23
–Florida Attorney Deported To The United States After Being Charged With Sexually Abusing Children In Cambodia

6/29/23
–Connecticut Sex Offender Sentenced to 327 Months for Attempted Enticement of a Minor

6/30/23
–Round Rock Pastor Pleads Guilty to Child Pornography Charge
–Former Santa Fe Priest Indicted on Sexual Exploitation Offense

These were just from the past week, and don’t take into account the local crimes, and certainly not the crimes that go unreported. From the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC), “According to the FBI, in 2022 there were 359,094 NCIC entries for missing children.* In 2021, the total number of missing child entries into NCIC was 337,195.” In 2022, NCMEC’s CyberTipline received 32,059,029 reports. Of those reports; 31,901,234 were for apparent child sexual abuse material, 80,524 were for online enticement, including “sextortion”, 18,336 were for child sex trafficking, 12,906 were for child sexual molestation, and 46,029 were for Other, including child sex tourism, misleading domain name, misleading words or images and unsolicited obscene material sent to a child.

Folks, we have a problem. While we have been living our lives, perverts have been stalking our children. The depraved things that these pedophiles (Prepubescent children) and hebophiles (pubescent children) do would make you vomit. Thus far their depravity has existed in darkness. We might see the occasional, sad news story and think to ourselves, “Oh, that’s terrible!” Then we go back to our lives, and the cockroaches go back to their scurrying in the dark.

We have started to see parents across the US wake up. The Daily Wire broke the story of the case in Louden, VA where the School Board covered up a sexual assault of a young girl in a school restroom caused the Virginia governorship to flip from Democratic to Republican. That caused some people to take notice. The phrase “transing the kids” has entered our cultural lexicon. People who didn’t care about Drag Queen Story Hour are now seeing drag queens twerking to children, who were taken to the drag shows by their parents. More and more states have passed legislation prohibiting gender surgeries and hormone therapies. Bud Light, Disney and Target have all suffered for their stances on transing the children. Now they’re joking about “coming for your children”. So people have been taking notice. Have you?

We are seeing our children subjected to hyper-sexual advances from adults. Why? Certainly NOT for the child’s benefit! A more important question is, what can you do about it?

So what can you do? That’s easy. Turn on the lights. Learn about the scope of the problem. visit the NCMEC website for starters. Remember John Walsh? He and his wife founded that organization. Do your own research. This …stuff… seriously needs the light of day. Turn on the lights, and start stomping.

You are not alone, and there’s plenty for all of us. Let’s talk about Fight Club.

WEDDED BLISS

Saturday, June 24, 2023, my wife and I will celebrate 34 years of wedded bliss. What does wedded bliss mean? I get the ‘wedded’ part, I even get the ‘bliss’ part, but when put together, the meaning gets a little fuzzy.

Was it bliss when I felt like I was going to throw up getting up the courage to ask Robin out on out first date? Maybe it was when my two best friends looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Don’t screw this up,” knowing that I had a two-year track record of “screwing things up”. Maybe it was when I realized the enormity of what I had done when I asked Robin to marry me. Wedded bliss was declaring bankruptcy before we got married, so her name wouldn’t be associated with my failure. It was supporting the two of us on a teacher’s salary while she finished school.

Wedded bliss was being diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. It destroyed a highly decorated military career, and guaranteed that my wife would have damaged goods for the rest of our lives. It was getting her pregnant during the honeymoon, ruining her 5-year plan. Morning sickness, an auto accident while Robin was pregnant, trying to wrap my mind around being a father, being a teacher and coach, and learning how to be a husband. So blissful.

We raised Jessica, and I felt like everything I did was wrong. I was on a LOT of prednisone. Roid rages were common. Thankfully I never took it out on either girl in my life. Assorted furniture, dry wall, sometimes I would just scream in my car. Robin and I worked on having baby #2. It didn’t happen right away. Then it did. Then Robin had some abdominal pain. I took Robin to get an ultrasound, and I watched in horror as the ultrasound tech took the reading, then went into the next room to weep. Robin didn’t cry until she passed our baby in the toilet. I got the baby out, and wrapped it in a paper towel to take it to the doctor. The bliss was coming down like rain.

I could go on, but I really can’t. One can focus on the horrible things that happen in life, and have that color their life. That has never been me. I was always an “Always look on the bright side of life,” kind of guy. Like Eric Idle singing from the cross in The Life of Brian.

I remember seeing my beautiful wife coming down the aisle at our wedding. I knew then that, whatever happened, we would be facing life together. And we did. Through it all, Robin kept us together. She persevered through my bouts of Crohn’s, the numerous surgeries and various side effects. She was the rock that our family leaned on. We added Carole to the family right as we separated for nine months. Robin brought me back into the family, and helped me work to make it a family again.

Jessica, who was 10 years old at the time, was furious with me. Couldn’t blame her, I had been a world-class dick. I remember that fall, she was in the front yard with me, raking leaves. Suddenly, she ran over to me and hugged me, crying. I will have to admit that onion-cutting ninjas were in the area. My little girl had forgiven me, and we were a family again. It was right then that I vowed that never again would I allow my narcissism to destroy my family. I grew up. Jessica and Carole grew up with Robin and I. A family.

So here we are, 34 years later. Jessica is married, with 2 children of her own. She and Christian, her husband, live with Robin and I. That means I get daily doses of my grandsons Roman and Stevie. These two Agents of Chaos bring laughter and joy into my life. So does Robin. She and I have certainly been through the wars together. Carole is 23. She might just make it.

Marriage isn’t easy. It was never meant to be. Two distinct people living as one requires more than a feeling. It is hard work, with sweat, blood, tears and most likely other bodily fluids. It involves compromise and sacrifice. It hurts, it heals, it destroys and it creates. It is the embodiment of the human experience. Two flawed humans coming together to try to create new life. What could be easy about that?

I will tell you this with all honesty. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Not. A. Damn. Thing.

All of our shared experiences, good and bad, the scars, the nightmares, the exultations, the quiet moments, the sadness, the wonder, the laughs. Always the laughs.

When you make a vow, you have to first say the words.

“I, Stephen Cline Satterly, Jr. take you, Robin Lynne Reuter, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.“

Then comes the fun part. Learning the depth and nuances of what that vow means. That vow means so much more now than it did 34 years ago. I look at Robin now, and she still takes my breath away. I still feel that ache in my heart that I felt when she said, “Yes.” I am so glad she did. She helped me fulfill my potential, helped me create something together that I could never had done alone. A family. So on our anniversary, my Queen, I will just say thank you. Being your husband has been the honor of my life.

That, friends, is wedded bliss.

MEMORY

How does the human brain store memories? How do the sensory inputs, and our thoughts, get stored? I am of the age that I struggle, at times, to remember why I went into the kitchen. Alzheimer’s can dominate the news at times. How does the disease work? How realistic was 50 First Dates?

The human brain is a fascinating organ. A bio-chemical network that is used to communicate, form abstract thoughts, store memories, and helps us interact with the physical world, and the bio-chemical networks of others.

Sometimes my memories of my childhood are fuzzy. I couldn’t tell you who my first grade teacher was, or what I did for my 10th birthday. Sometimes the memories can be quite clear. My previous story of my grandfather, fishing with Paw, the bullying I was subjected to, my first girlfriend, and so on.

So what goes into a memory? Certainly our sensory inputs; sights, smells, tastes, touches, emotions. Mine are weaker in that I don’t have a sense of smell, and that affects my taste as well. For awhile as a child, my sense of hearing was so awful I was labeled as “retarded” in school. It was bad enough to affect my speech, and I still have a bit of a lisp today. I vividly remember waking ups from the surgery to put tubes in my ears, and hearing the cacophony of sounds all around me that I had been missing. I will say that, while I am sure Robin may think differently at times, I am far from “retarded”.

There are certainly other considerations. My sister, brother and I will often remember the same event differently. My brother describes a situation in his book All Secure in which I, his big brother, intervened when he and his friends were being bullied. He remembers me being a bad hombre who strolled in, took charge of the situation, and protected his little brother. I barely remember the incident at all. What I recall from my childhood was frequently getting my ass kicked. I do remember standing up for my little brother, but I was often writing checks my tiny, scrawny body couldn’t cash. What I can say is that if that incident was able to, in some small way, make my little brother into the God-honest badass who earned a Silver Star in some shithole named Somalia as dramatized in Blackhawk Down, then I will take the win. We can’t know everything he did to make America safer, but you can bet your bottom dollar we’re safer, and he is still playing the price for that.

But how did two people in the same incident have different memories? Surely the sensory inputs were similar? Of course, the points of view were different. Perhaps we’re back to the bio-chemical network. Somehow, in the midst of the chaos of that moment, Tom’s brain formed thoughts out of thin air, applied them to the sensory inputs he received in that moments and his brain assigned a priority to the incident that got seared into his brain. Maybe it is like the Disney movie Inside/Out. Tom’s Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust and Sadness applied themselves to generate the memory, and then deposited it into his long-term memory. That, in turn, motivated him to join the Army, then Delta Squadron, then unleash Hell upon himself and the enemy for 20 years.

I don’t know. I’m not a neuroscientist, nor did I sleep in a Holiday Inn Express last night. I just know that I have good memories, and bad memories. They all make me who I am today. I also know that I do often go into a room then stop, searching my brain for why I went there. I know that sometimes I tell Robin I will do something, then forget to do it. Or maybe I just didn’t want to do it. Or maybe…

Where was I going with this?

MEDITATIONS-6/8/23

My last post was a bit heavy, but life is like that. One day things are light and airy, the next they are dark and stormy. Each of us has dark parts, things we struggle with, flaws we work on. My goal here is to hopefully provide insights for others, based on my insights. I certainly don’t come from a place where I think I am better than others. Well, except for ISIS. I am better than those turds.

What I’d like to do today is provide some insights of my life for my posterity. There will be a day I won’t be here, and I want my children and grandchildren to know what kind of a person I was, in all my humanizer.-ness. I’m sure most of the times their heads will be cocked to the side like Nipper, the RCA dog.

My grandfather, Rudy, was a World War II vet. He was Paw’s father. Most of my memories of him were of him on oxygen. He had emphysema, and he still smoked. He and Lucille, my grandmother, lived in a mobile home. My grandmother made the best egg noodles from scratch.

Grandpaw would tell us stories. The only thing I ever heard about his war experiences was that he had his dog tags blown off of him. I remember, once, he started to tell us about a place his unit liberated, then he stopped. What followed was a lesson I’ll never forget. He said that if a black child and a white child were put together, they would find a way to play with each other. He said they might notice the differences, but it wouldn’t matter, until adults taught them otherwise. I couldn’t be sure, but I think there was a tear in his eye. When you’re young, it’s impossible to fully understand what adults feel, or are thinking. All I know is that talk made a definite impression on me.

Later on I pieced together that his unit either liberated a concentration camp, or was at one soon after it was liberated. Even as an adult, I can’t imagine what that was like. I’ve been to the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum. I once refereed youth soccer with Mike Vogel, who was featured on a documentary, Auschwitz, If You Cried, You Died. I remember seeing the tattooed number on his forearm. He was great with kids, always had a smile on his face, and I struggled with the knowledge of his past, and how he was able to live life. I decided he struggled enough for the both of us, and I enjoyed our short time together. He taught me that you chose how to react to life. If he can chose laughter and happiness after the horrors he faced, my lesser issues can’t compete. Neither should yours.

Another time, I decided I would stick a butter knife in a wall outlet at Grandmaw and Grandpaw’s trailer. Grandpaw saw me and didn’t say anything. Grandma saw and started to say something. Grandpaw said, “No wait, he’ll figure it out.”

The butterknife went into the outlet, there was a snap, the trailer went dark, and I let out out a yelp. I did, indeed, figure it out. I learned that I should not stick metal things into wall sockets, and that electricity hurts.

But at least I got some egg noodles out of it. See? Getting the best out of life is a choice!

FORGIVENESS

I was listening to my brother and sister-in-law’s podcast All Secure. The guest they had on, Bryce Mahoney, spoke at length on being able to forgive oneself, as well as others. This really hit home for me, because I have been the recipient of some major league forgiveness, and I still struggle with the concept.

I read a very short Essay on Forgiveness, by C.S. Lewis. As usual, he wrote with clarity and brevity. He points out the difference between forgiveness of sins, and being excused for what we’ve done.
“I find that when I think I am asking God to forgive me I am often in reality (unless I
watch myself very carefully) asking Him to do something quite different. I am asking
him not to forgive me but to excuse me. But there is all the difference in the world
between forgiving and excusing. Forgiveness says, “Yes, you have done this thing, but
I accept your apology; I will never hold it against you and everything between us two
will be exactly as it was before.” If one was not really to blame then there is nothing
to forgive.”

Later on in that paragraph he wrote, “…what we call “asking God’s forgiveness” very often really consists in asking God to accept our excuses.” I thought on that for quite a bit. It rang true, like the clear, sweet sound of crystal. We are really good at making excuses for ourselves. So much so that we can convince ourselves that we have asked God to accept our excuses, and that equals forgiveness.

C.S. Lewis says there are two remedies.
“One is to remember that God knows all the real excuses very much better than we
do. If there are real “extenuating circumstances” there is no fear that He will overlook
them. Often He must know many excuses that we have never even thought of, and
therefore humble souls will, after death, have the delightful surprise of discovering
that on certain occasions they sinned much less than they thought. All the real
excusing He will do. What we have got to take to Him is the inexcusable bit, the sin.
We are only wasting our time talking about all the parts which can (we think) be
excused.”
Knowing that God is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent, there is nothing He doesn’t know. We can deceive ourselves, but we can’t deceive Him. So as Lewis wrote, we have to focus on the the inexcusable part. The actual sin.

Lewis writes that the second remedy is to fully believe in the forgiveness of sins. We make excuses because we don’t fully believe that. We do that with our friends, we do that with our spouses, we do that with ourselves. We need to set aside our excuses and see the sin in all of its aspects. We need to face the all the pain we’ve caused, without excuse. Our actions are like ripples in a pond. they extend out from ourselves and affect others. The further out they get, the more intertwined they become, making things appear more complicated than they really are. Go back to the action that caused the ripple. Acknowledge the horror, the pain, the dirty, mean nasty things that happened due to our choice.

When we do that, you would think that we would decide that we cannot forgive ourselves. But if we fully believe in the forgiveness of sins, then we have to forgive ourselves. If we don’t we do not fully believe in the forgiveness of sins. We then believe in an imperfect God. This is a logical fallacy that we adopt because of our insecurity. If you have a child, then you understand this.

As a parent, you love your child, no matter what they do. They will do stupid, hurtful, and sometimes insanely evil things. Yet you will still love them. You don’t like their actions, you may be hurt by their actions, but you still love them. God is the perfect embodiment of love. There fore there is nothing you could do to damage that love.

If you acknowledge what you have done, in all of its aspects, all of its horror, malice and dirtiness, and believe that God is Perfect Love, then you can ask for forgiveness and receive it. Once you have asked for it, then you need to work to prevent a re-occurrence. You may fail, as human beings are wont to do, but through that process of acknowledgment, asking for forgiveness, and working to do better, we grow.

I will mention my own experience in this. Twenty plus years ago, I made the decision to be unfaithful to my wife. I definitely made excuses. Robin and I had gone through a miscarriage and had both grown apart, she was distant, the woman I was involved with was rumored to be a serial adulteress, and on and on. The bottom line was that I had committed a mortal sin. I had forsaken a vow I had made in front of a large group of people, one I made to God, her and myself. My infidelity hurt her, it hurt my daughters, one who was a newborn infant, my family, her family, it hurt my school community, and my faith community. This ripples had spread much farther than I could ever have thought.

My self-realization was actually activated by a close friend, Mike Schill, who has since passed. He asked me, “What are you doing?” That simple question began my forgiveness process. That question was the start of a conversation in which he guided me to look at all that I was doing. The next month or so was appalling. Talking to family members and friends, I saw the pain I had caused. The lies and other behaviors were not as good as I thought (They never are!). People knew what I was doing. I was well-known in the church and school. They knew when my wife and I separated. They knew why I was at a new address. They knew why I was distracted, moody, and angry all the time.

My path back was to let Robin know I realized what I had done, and that I was sorry. I then began the long, laborious path of trying to save our marriage. If that vow meant anything, then I had to make the decisions in which I would validate that vow. It was not easy, by any means. Like people in Alcoholics Anonymous, I had to go to everyone I hurt to apologize, and make amends where I could.

My wife had to borrow money from her parents for the first time in her life. She had both girls and the house, but she had gone from two paychecks to one. I paid her father Bob back for that loan, and apologized for hurting his daughter and granddaughters. At our wedding, Bob told me as he handed her to me that he would snap my neck if I ever hurt her. That was definitely in the back of my mind as I apologized.

I was the recipient of Amazing Grace. Robin, despite all I had put her, Jessica and Carole through, forgave me, and decided our vows were important enough to make it true. She accepted me back and we have worked for twenty-plus years to not just repair our relationship, but make it grow and thrive. C.S. Lewis wrote, “This(forgiveness) doesn’t mean that you must necessarily believe his next promise. It does mean that you must make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart – every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out.” Robin has never done this, ever.

I have struggled doing the same for myself, but it is something I try to do every day. If she can forgive me, if God can forgive me, then I have to be able to forgive myself. If I don’t, I am spitting on God’s Love, on Robin’s love. In the Lord’s Prayer we say, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” If God means what He says, then this is pretty straight forward.

The mystery of God’s love is one I think about every day. I want to believe in a God whose Love is so great that He can forgive a serial killer, if that serial killer acknowledges his sins and asks for forgiveness. That Perfect Love is for everyone, even me, even if I don’t think I deserve it.

Thanks you Robin, for, in this instance, being the perfect example of God’s Love on earth. Thank You, Lord, for your Perfect Love, and I pray every day for the Grace to continue to be worthy of Your Love.

DAY OF REST

Today is a Sunday. Traditionally, Sunday is a day of rest. So of course I’ve prepped and am cooking a 15-pound brisket, I’ve watered the garden and the flowers on the patio, I’ve picked up the dog poop in the back yard, always a fun time, and started on the laundry. All very restful. Friday I had tweaked my knee pretty good, so I’ve been trying to protect it while I’m working.

At least now I can spend some time writing. I’m enjoying my new gazebo, watching Alchemy of Souls on Netflix, and listening to birdsong. I’ve got a fan going, so it’s nice and cool, even though it’s 80 degrees out. Thank God for technology!

I have determined, after much observation, that sparrows are assholes. They remind me of the Compsognathus, the tiny dinosaurs from Jurassic Park and Jurassic World. They operate in a pack. I fill two bird feeders, and the little bastards will empty the feeders out in one day. They are aggressive little jerks that chase off other birds.

I have been visited by Indigo Buntings, Cardinals, Goldfinches, Flickers, Red-Headed Woodpeckers, Red-Wing Blackbirds, Robins, even an Eastern Bluebird, all chased off by the frickin sparrows. At least they don’t chase off the hummingbirds, which have finally reappeared. Damn compies.

The other thing I get to do is watch my grandsons play. Have you ever read the book Lord of the Flies? Roman and Stevie are Jack and Roger. I love these boys, but they are definitely Chaos incarnate. It’s like they are human versions of the sparrows. At least at times. At one moment, they’re running around the back yard, screaming like banshees and brandishing sticks like they were extras in Pirates in the Caribbean. The next, Roman is teaching Stevie how to ride a bicycle, or Stevie is concerned about Roman getting the same treats he got when I took Stevie to Lowes on Friday. It’s like the Sour Patch candies. First they’re sour, then they’re sweet. I’ll let them live, for now.

Then there are my dogs, Yuki and Rowdy. Mutt and Jeff. Either running around the yard like a couple of furry idiots, or napping. No in-between for those two. Full-speed, or no-speed. We adopted Rowdy when Maw passed in 2020. We’ve had Yuki since 2015. They actually get sad when we take one to the groomer’s or to the vet without the other one. Big (and little!) dorks. When I worked from home, they would be hard at work with me in the office, sleeping. When I got off work, they would go into the living room with me and lay down and sleep some more. When I went to bed, they would get up, go to the bedroom with me, and go to sleep. At least now they’re running around a bit.

But not me, I’m resting. And I’m about to go rest myself some of that brisket I’ve been slow cooking all day.

And with that, your Honor, I rest my case.